Following the end of my counselling sessions this year, I thought I would discuss one of the main lessons I walked away with. At the end of my first counselling session, I was told, “You can’t make everyone happy. And trying to make everyone happy is what’s making you unhappy.” And it reminded me, funnily enough, of a quote by Robin Williams:
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
~ Robin Williams
Making others happy is a natural human tendency. For as long as I remember, I’ve always been the one in my family to keep everyone together, solve all our problems, and make everyone happy. I never saw any fault in that. In fact, seeing my family happy gave me a false sense of fulfilment. In some way, I’ve felt that my purpose had been to use all my efforts to stop the people around me from breaking down. But what I hadn’t realised is the toll it had been taking on me.
The main obstacle to thinking that I have to ‘fix everything’ or ‘please everyone else’ is that a lot of things are beyond my control. No matter how hard I try, I may not be able to do anything personally to resolve the situation. And by relying on others’ happiness for my sense of fulfilment was therefore highly impractical. My counselling sessions made me realise that.
I was also brought up by my parents to be anything but selfish. Hence, selfishness has to be the trait I most deeply detest, and in my efforts to make everybody else happy, I felt I was succeeding at not being selfish. But there should always be a limit to our selflessness. When we become so selfless and start living for the people around us, we can often lose or suppress our personal desires which hinder the formation of our identity and our growth towards independence. This is essentially what had happened to me. I have always done as my parents have told me to, because I thought it would make them happy. But I slowly realised that doing what others want me to do has never really made me happy. I lost sight of what I really wanted to do, and I ended up suppressing any desire I had which would object with my parents’ wishes, because I didn’t want to disappoint them for my ‘selfish’ causes.
My counsellor taught me that it’s ok to say no. It’s ok to be assertive. It’s ok for me to think about myself. It’s even ok for me to put myself first. I’m still working on getting that right, but I feel that I have made progress.
And you know what? I do feel happier doing the things I want. I finally feel as if I’m leaving my nest and discovering what kind of person I am, albeit at the age of 20.
It’s a start, but focusing on myself might just help me on my road to find happiness.