#relationships, Medical school, Mental Health, Reality, Stress

Letting People Go

Letting people go is no easy feat. The closer you are to the person, the more difficult it becomes to move on. Whether it’s the end of a relationship, or dealing with a loved one moving away, it can leave us with immense feelings of loss. But letting people go can leave us feeling emancipated. The more we dote on lost causes, the more unhappy we become in life. Letting go and moving on is the only way we can escape the negativity and make our lives better.

One of the challenges in being able to “get over” someone is that often even after the end of the relationship, we may still encounter the person over and over again. And surrounding ourselves with reminders of the person often reignites our feelings and draws us back to the relationship. Possibly the most difficult part of overcoming the end of a relationship is withdrawing from the strong emotional dependence we have on the other person. Whether the relationship is romantic or non-romantic, we often rely on the other person on an emotional (and possibly physical level). And when things end, we lose our source of emotional strength. If I medicalised this, I would be calling this period the ‘withdrawal’ period – likened to the tortuous symptoms of weaning from an addictive drug. Medical weaning however takes place in stages, decreasing the dosage in increments until complete weaning occurs. However, the end of a relationship is often sudden. And to let go of the other person becomes extremely challenging.

It is possible however, just like everything else. In the earlier stages, to prevent “relapse”, it is often better to, as much as possible, isolate yourself from all things that may bring back memories and reignite feelings. This may involve removing or hiding away triggering objects and possessions, unfriending them on social media and avoiding messaging them altogether. It may seem a harsh step to take, but doing so usually helps during the difficult initial phase, and coming to accept the situation.

Distractions and spending time with other friends and family can be extremely rewarding. Engaging in new activities can help at this stage too. However it is important to make sure that you keep a good balance between social/leisure activities and being able to get on with work and necessary chores, as difficult as it may be.

With ample time, it becomes a lot easier and tolerable to think about the other person without triggering strong emotions. This may take a lot of time, possibly years, but you will get there through perseverance.

The saying that ‘people come and go’ could not be closer to the truth. Nothing is ever permanent. Although we may not realise it, we often end up in very toxic relationships which do us more harm than good. We don’t see it because our emotions for this person clouds our objective judgement. But if being around this person makes you ‘feel like crap’, it’s a pretty good sign that the person is toxic and you are better off letting them go. Of course it may not be as clear cut, but it’s worth thinking about and re-analysing your relationships.

I recently decided to let go of a close friend who I’ve known for 3 years. It was a difficult decision, but I realised that the relationship was very one-sided and I often ended up feeling more negative about myself following a conversation with this friend than I did before. The dynamic of the friendship had definitely changed over the course of the 3 years and after much deliberation, I decided that the disagreements between us were too great to recover from. And you know what? I feel so much better. I feel more confident and I feel free. Sometimes it’s just better to trust your instincts because no one knows you better than yourself.

So do it. Let them go.

Anxiety, Mental Health, Reality

To trust or not to trust? 

For the past few years of my life, I have struggled greatly when determining who I can trust and who I cannot. From a young age I was taught the basic, “don’t trust strangers”, and yet I’ve found myself to be most able to communicate with my counsellor, who is essentially a stranger to me. I still don’t know a single thing about her, but she knows my deepest darkest secrets. I value her advice more than the advice of pretty much anyone else. And I definitely trust her. 

Earlier today, a middle aged woman approached me outside Subway and begged me to buy her a sandwich saying she was starving. I had no change on me and I really felt sorry for her so I agreed. I told her to select her subway sandwich whilst I waited away from the queue. She chose her sandwich fillings and once it was time to pay, she turned around and asked me to make the payment, and I did, whilst she thanked me and hurried away with her food. I wonder now – what if I’d walked away just before the payment? How did she trust me to keep my word? How did I know whether she was lying about not having any money for food? We were complete strangers to each other. But there was definitely an ounce of trust between us. 

A similar situation occurred with me a couple of days ago. I left for the gym with my car and parked inside a shopping mall car park. I thought I had my purse with me, but when I felt in my pocket for my purse, it was empty. I started to panic because without any money, I wouldn’t be able to pay for my parking ticket and I wouldn’t be able to leave the shopping mall. I called home and nobody could find my purse. I thought I’d lost it somehow and I was distraught. I was at the payment meter and there was an elderly couple who were paying for their parking ticket. I turned to them and told them how I had lost my purse and couldn’t pay for my parking. They nodded their heads and took one look at me then asked how much money it was that I’d needed. They gave me the £1.50 I asked for and left. I was incredibly grateful at the time, but I do wonder now how they knew they could believe me. It really fascinates me.

On the other hand, I’ve had some very negative experiences with trusting friends and family. In the past, I made the mistake of trusting a couple of friends with some personal information that I did not wish to be divulged. I thought they could be trusted because they had also supposedly told me some of their secrets. However, the moment that our friendship had turned sour as a result of a disagreement, it didn’t take them a second to divulge my secrets to other people, which I had told them in confidence. Similarly, I’ve experienced a betrayal of trust when a close family member of mine made a fool of me by making me think they were telling me the truth, when in actual fact they had been lying to me for a few years. So is it always true that we can’t trust strangers? Sometimes the most deceptive people are those closest to us – similar to Judas’ betrayal of Jesus. 

I spoke to my counsellor recently with regards to my challenge in knowing if I can trust my friends. A useful piece of advice she gave me was that it’s a good idea to test a friendship by telling them a very non-serious/false secret and over time observing whether they end up breaking their word to you. If they don’t, it’s a good indication that they can be trusted. 

Remember however, everybody lies. As cynical as it may seem, there is probably no one you can completely trust, but we must bear that risk of betrayal in all our relationships whilst trying to minimise the possibility. It’s easy to break someone’s trust, but it’s a hell of a difficult job to rebuild it.